


Hurt Me No More

by angelsandbrowncoats



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Apologies, Canon Compliant, Character Development, Character Study, Ellie Aster and Ellie's Dad are all here too, Gen, I think he probably dwells on it whenever he messes up, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Not Beta Read, POV Third Person Limited, Unrequited Love, also a lot of references to Paul thinking he's stupid, and this entire fic is about him messing up, but everything they say or do is taken directly from the film, flagrant use of second person and run on sentences to convey thought processes, just the canon stuff though, kind of, like he's definitely not the brightest but, more like mistaking platonic love for romantic, no way are Paul's thoughts organized enough to be grammatically correct, paul is trying his best, unfortunately for everyone involved his best needs a little help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsandbrowncoats/pseuds/angelsandbrowncoats
Summary: It hit him in the middle of a football game. He knew he was pretty stupid, so he wasn’t that surprised it had taken him this long. He just hoped it hadn’t taken himtoolong.He was happy to see Aster in the audience, of course he was. She was pretty and smart and… kind. Damn, still no new words. But then he had looked up and seen Ellie smiling and waving at him and something warm and comfortable andrighthad settled in his chest....Or, Paul Munsky very confidently misinterprets a realization and causes a domino chain of problems for himself and the most important person in his life.
Relationships: Ellie Chu & Paul Munsky
Comments: 7
Kudos: 54





	Hurt Me No More

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a character study of Paul in narrative form. I know a lot of people were mad about his reaction to realizing Ellie loves Aster, but I really liked the scene. The actors did such an incredible job making it feel realistic and not like... homophobia for the sake of conflict. So I wanted to really delve into Paul's thought process and character development throughout that whole part of the film. Also, because Paul is Paul, I chose to take some fun liberties in writing his thought process as more of a thot process at times... 
> 
> I spent about twenty minutes thinking up and rejecting titles for this piece before my brain suggested "what is love?" but it's late and I'm tired so I'm done thinking up new ones & you guys can just deal with my bullshit. 
> 
> Anyways, I just saw this movie & thought it was amazing & after looking around, I couldn't find many fics about this so I figured I'd have to make my own. Enjoy!

It hit him in the middle of a football game. He knew he was pretty stupid, so he wasn’t that surprised it had taken him this long. He just hoped it hadn’t taken him  _ too _ long.

He was happy to see Aster in the audience, of course he was. She was pretty and smart and… kind. Damn, still no new words. But then he had looked up and seen Ellie smiling and waving at him and something warm and comfortable and  _ right _ had settled in his chest. It was the feeling you got as a kid when you came in from playing in the snow in winter and you would drink hot cocoa with just a little more chocolate than necessary that your mom made when she saw you heading back to the house. It was the feeling you get when you watch a movie with a friend and they laugh and you don’t really know what’s funny but it’s so nice to see them laughing so you find yourself laughing too. The feeling of someone making you their favorite food but omitting the part they remembered you don’t like. The feeling of someone noticing when you put up a mask, of that person not forcing you to take your mask off but letting you know that whatever’s under it is okay by them. 

He waved back at Ellie, trying to puzzle out what exactly that feeling was. Maybe it was something in his latest experimental sausage? He tried to remember what he had put in that one. If he had struck on a combination of spices that created this feeling, he was confident he could make a fortune.

Before he could remember the exact recipe of his last experiment, his thoughts were cut off as he found himself with a football in his hands. His brain provided him with just one thought:

_ RUN. _

But as he ran, as he began to leave the other players behind, the wheels began to turn.

What kind of wheel did people even mean when they said that? Like, car wheels? He didn’t think his brain was that much like a car. A hamster wheel? Hamsters were cute. They could be pretty badass, too; his sister had one once, and it had bitten his brother when he tried to poke it. But that didn’t really make sense either. There couldn’t be a hamster in his head - what would it eat?! The poor thing would starve and then where would he be? Now bike wheels, those had some potential. They required a lot of effort to turn, and they stopped immediately without that effort. And accidentally pedalling backwards would lock them up and then they’d fall down. His brain felt like a lot. Like a bike whose wheels had seized up and tipped over. Like - 

_ Ellie _ .

Paul came to a stop in the endzone, not even hearing the crowd hailing him as the new hero of Squahamish. 

Oh.

Of course.

_ Duh. _

It was obvious.

It was so  _ painfully obvious _ . Only he was dumb enough to have managed to miss it, he thought. How many movies had he seen with this exact plot? Jock teams up with the nerdy girl to help him woo a more popular girl. Nerdy girl either agrees because she is in love with the jock or falls in love with him over the course of the movie. Jock is oblivious - check that box. After he gets the girl he thinks he wants, the jock does or says something that hurts the nerdy girl deeply, causing him to realize that his perfect match has been there all along and he’s been catching feelings without even realizing. 

It would explain everything. Why Ellie agreed to help him after so adamant a refusal. Why Ellie let him hang around so often when they weren’t even writing up letters. Why Ellie went home without so much as texting “goodbye” after the second disaster-that-wasn’t date. Why Ellie wrote all those letters for his taco sausage without even asking for payment. She had been pining this whole time while he was busy being too stupid to even look her way. He just hoped she’d forgive him for taking so long.

As he was swept up in the celebration of having  _ actually gotten a touchdown _ , a second, smaller realization hit him which had him smiling bigger than anyone else on the team. The jock realizing he’s been pursuing the wrong girl was always triggered by causing some great hurt to his friend. Other than being a bit slow, Paul hadn’t done anything of the sort! He could get them to the happy ending they were headed for without doing or saying anything hurtful to Ellie! They could skip right past the worst step of the whole process! He couldn’t wait to find her after the game and tell her he had figured it all out!

If he could just get his words right once in his life, this needed to be it. He would trade anything - the glory and fame of being the savior of the Squahamish football team, his knowledge of emojis, maybe even his family’s sausage recipe - if it meant he could actually say the right thing this time. Ellie was worth it.

When he did find her, he was caught off guard. He hadn’t really thought of anything to say yet. Well, he had decided to open with “hey” and then maybe say something like “seeing you in the crowd made me feel happier than dipping a fry in a milkshake. More like a hundred fries in a hundred milkshakes” except, he frowned internally, it would be silly to only dip one fry per milkshake. Strike that last part. 

However, it didn’t really matter how far he had gotten, since he was struck speechless by the sight of Ellie juggling what had to be like ten Yakults from the vending machine. 

All he could get out was, “I… uh, need to talk to you.”

Ellie wasn’t really paying attention to him, though, focused on the Yakults. He helped her out on instinct and was secretly glad for the extra time to think about his words. They had to be good. They had to be right. They had to be perfect. They had to be - 

Ellie was looking at him. She was  _ looking  _ at him. 

Of course he wouldn’t need words. Ellie had enough words for the both of them, and she used them so much better than he did. She could give the speeches, not him. He needed to do what Ellie never had -  _ act _ . 

He surged forward to kiss her. Everything would fall into place now, and Ellie would… 

Pull back in shock and disgust?

That wasn’t part of the plan. 

“What are you doing?” she was staring at him like he was an idiot. He was, but like… this was different. He could tell it was different. He didn’t get it.

“You don’t want me to kiss you?”

“No!” Well that was emphatic. But…

“Why?” He asked, “Is there someone else?”

He tried hard to think of anyone else. Ellie didn’t really… have friends. His mind flashed to Trig calling Ellie hot. That couldn’t be… could it? Maybe - maybe that was why Ellie had agreed to help him win Aster, so that Trig would be single? No, he decided, Ellie was way too smart to like Trig.

_ Then isn’t she too smart to like you?  _ A very unprompted voice in his head asked. 

He shook it off, searching for any other possible person. That one “drinker of Catan” dude? Who even was that guy?

But Ellie wasn’t looking at him anymore. She had turned to look at… Aster? Oh.  _ Oh. _ Was Ellie worried that Paul wasn’t really into her, that he was still obsessing over Aster? Was - 

“Aster,” Ellie said, and there was something about the way she said it. Paul couldn’t quite put his finger on it, though.

“Aster, this is not,” Ellie started, a desperation in her voice that didn’t quite make sense, “We’re - we’re not…”

But Aster was leaving, a heartbroken look on her face mirroring the one on Ellies, and suddenly Paul understood the look and the voice and the  _ everything _ . 

Whoa. 

Wait,  _ what? _

“You,” he said, trying to make some sense of the connections that were all forming at once, turning around and around in his mind.

“Paul,” Ellie whispered, and he didn’t like the way her brow was creased as she said it, the tightness in her voice. It was wrong, it was all wrong. 

“Y-you, um… uh, um,” he couldn’t get the words out. He never could, but now more than ever they fought against him. Finally, he managed a simple question, “You like Aster?”

He already knew the answer, he did, but he still couldn’t  _ understand _ , even though it all made sense. 

Ellie wasn’t even looking at him, and for some reason that made him want to cry in - in what? Anger - anger that she didn’t love him back, after everything they’d been through together? Shame - shame that he’d been so stupid as to think she would? Frustration - frustration that she wouldn’t even look at him, when he was already so shit at using his words. He looked away himself, fighting a losing battle to be composed. 

He took a step back, breathing, just breathing, trying to force his thoughts into something coherent as he leaned back against the wall. 

He had been so sure he’d figured everything out.

He had been so sure he and Ellie were meant to be, just like in the movies.

Clearly not.

Ellie didn’t want him.

Ellie wanted Aster.

But - But Aster was a  _ girl _ . And so was Ellie. That would be - That was - That’s - It’s - 

“It’s a sin,” he murmured, repeating the words he knew by heart. Anyone growing up in Squahamish knew them. People like  _ that _ \- guys who liked guys and girls who liked girls… people who were  _ gay _ . They were sinners. That was like Christian 101 in a town like Squahamish. Father Flores had said time and time again that a guy who loved another guy or a girl who loved another girl was sinning and would burn in the fires of hell.

_ Oh _ . 

Paul felt a crushing weight, sucking the air from his lungs and filling him with dread. Ellie, his best friend, Ellie, was… 

“You’re going to hell.”

The words were muttered, a revelation that brought no joy to anyone, only misery. The words came easily, for once, words he had heard a thousand times, words that were not his own.

Perhaps if they had been his own, bumbling and stuttered, they wouldn’t have put that awful  _ awful  _ look on Ellie’s face. In all the time they had been hanging out, Paul had never seen Ellie close to tears. The way she looked at him now, though… Her face was tense with fear and anger and sadness and raw,  _ raw  _ hurt. He didn’t want to see it there, didn’t want to think about his role in putting it there. And he  _ really  _ didn’t know what to say. So he left.

He’d never even thought - all those times, all those  _ words _ … 

Gay?

How did it even work?

He didn’t even notice when he was swept up into his own party, the team and pretty much the entire town of Squahamish  _ (except Ellie) _ was intent on partying until well past midnight to celebrate the first points scored in fifteen years. Paul plastered on a smile and played the role, but if pressed afterwards, he wouldn’t have been able to recall a single detail, he was so lost in thought. 

Two things kept circling in his brain.

One.  _ Gay _ . What was up with that? Why? How? How did she even know? He couldn’t understand, couldn’t fathom why somebody would choose that. Well, he could understand the liking girls bit, he supposed. He knew why he liked girls, after all. But like… he wasn’t even sure if he liked girls enough to want to go through life being shunned and hated by everyone else. He  _ definitely _ wasn’t sure if he liked girls enough to risk going to hell. 

When the excitement around his touchdown had settled a little, when he got lost in the bustle of his family, he took the chance to look up his questions. It took him awhile to get his research done, constantly being interrupted by chores and family squabbles and these new weird moments where his mom would call him into the kitchen to talk and then just look at him before shaking her head and asking if he had anything he wanted to talk about. He thought about bringing up Ellie, but he didn’t think she could really help without knowing the full story and the last thing he wanted to do was betray Ellie’s trust by outing her.

...Especially when she hadn’t exactly trusted him with her secret in the first place. 

And that led to the second thing his brain kept thinking about: Ellie had looked  _ so _ crushed. Crushed and scared. Was she scared of him? Or just of losing him? He hoped it was the second one, because he didn’t want Ellie to be scared of him, and because the second one was silly. He wasn’t going to stop being Ellie’s friend now, not after everything.

He was as slow on the uptake as ever and had lost himself to nearly a week of confusion and contemplation before he realized he had done just that. He had walked away from her because he hadn’t known what to do, how to react, and suddenly she wasn’t in his life anymore. He hadn’t meant to do that, he just… hadn’t noticed. 

Fuck.

By the time he realized how long it had taken him to think everything over and do some research and begin to feel a little bit more normal about the whole thing, Ellie had disappeared from his life completely. He didn’t run next to her bike on the way to school, he didn’t hang over at her place to make dinner and watch old movies anymore, he didn’t even see her around the halls in school, as if she were deliberately avoiding him.

He’d fucked up so bad. 

If this were a teen movie like he’d thought, he would’ve known what he had to do.  _ This _ was the moment where he was supposed to confess that he’d loved her all along. Only, he’d already done that, and it hadn’t worked out  _ at all _ . If he were in one of the movies Ellie watched, she probably would have laughed at him for making such a stupid assumption. 

...He wished she were here to laugh at him now. 

He didn’t even know how to begin fixing what he’d broken. How do you put a heart back together again when you broke it by loving them wrong? Or was it the other love that was wrong? Was any love wrong? This sure didn’t feel  _ right _ . 

The longer he waited to fix things, the worse they got. He knew that. He could feel himself getting more upset, more frustrated every day he didn’t think of something to say to Ellie. He would catch a glimpse of her every now and then and instinctively head in her direction, but every time she would notice she would turn and go a different way. Every time, he would open his mouth, trying desperately to think of anything,  _ anything  _ to say that would make her turn around, that wouldn’t make tears form in her eyes or her face to go all tense. But nothing ever came out, at least not until she was long since gone, and even then it was usually just a sighed, “Ellie…” 

His nerves were frayed to the point of snapping the day he was set to deliver meat to Mr. Chu. He both dreaded and hoped that Ellie would be there.

She was not.

He set the meat down, relieved and disappointed at the same time. He still hadn’t thought of a good way to apologize, and at this point, he had  _ so much _ to apologize for. He also didn’t want to involve Ellie’s dad unless it was on her terms. He had figured out that much from his research. His apology needed to be on her terms, not his. And - and,  _ action _ , thankfully, not just words. He needed to show her, somehow, but… 

Show her what? What was it he was trying to communicate? 

_ “Sorry I tried to kiss you and then freaked out when I realized you were gay and also sorry that you didn’t feel like you could trust me with that even though I clearly showed I didn’t deserve your trust but I would like to deserve it and also I love you but I think I’m cool with loving you as a friend and not like a  _ girl _ friend even though you are a girl and also my friend and I didn’t even know love could work like that until I googled a bunch of stuff last week” _ ?

He still didn’t even know why he was so upset about the whole thing, couldn’t work it out. The gay thing was making more sense with every new piece of research, and he’d apologized for hurting his sister plenty of times before, it wasn’t like he was new to that either. But he couldn’t properly apologize until he had figured out exactly what had gone wrong in his brain about the whole thing.

And then Ellie’s father did something he had almost never done in Paul’s presence before.

He spoke.

It hurt when Mr. Chu asked about him and Ellie because it was so obvious that Ellie must have been really upset about the whole thing. She also clearly hadn’t explained the situation to her father, which probably meant she hadn’t been able to talk about it to anyone. As far as Paul knew, before he had inadvertently become her friend, she hadn’t had anyone besides her father. And now she really didn’t have anyone. 

Paul tried his best to explain things to Mr. Chu without saying the whole truth. Some truths, some  _ words _ belonged to other people, and he had hurt enough people, especially Ellie, by hiding behind other people’s words. So even if Mr. Chu didn’t like his answer, even if it was a struggle to figure out what to say, he was determined to at least say his own words this time. 

And then Mr. Chu started to speak in Chinese and Paul didn’t know what he was saying but he could tell it was important. Serious. He spoke for longer than Paul had ever heard him speak before, and even though he couldn’t follow the words, he tried to listen to the tone. 

At last, Mr. Chu looked up, staring right at him, right into his very soul, and he asked in words Paul could clearly understand, “Have you ever loved someone so much you don’t want  _ anything _ about her to change?”

Paul didn’t answer, just thought. He suspected that was an answer in itself for Mr. Chu. 

Because wasn’t that just it? The thing he was trying to communicate? The reason for his apology?

He had learned a lot in his research and his thoughts. He knew he loved Ellie. He loved her in a way that probably would have stretched and shaped in whatever way she wanted. She wanted a friend, and really - so did he. He didn’t want dating Aster Flores if it meant no more hanging out with Ellie. He hadn’t been upset because she had rejected him, not mostly anyway. He hadn’t been upset because she was gay, unless she was going to hell because no one deserved good things more than Ellie Chu - she was like the smartest, coolest, kindest person on the planet and didn’t she have to put up with enough in Squahamish as it was? Frankly, he decided with finality, if God tried to send Ellie to hell, he’d follow her down there and fight every demon who stood between them and the exit. Of course, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to fight God for her, but he was fairly confident he could land a right hook on Saint Peter if it came to that. 

Anyway, what he meant was, what had really upset him was the idea of Ellie changing. The idea that this girl, this awesome girl who had somehow become his best friend in the whole world, wasn’t the person he thought she was. Because if that changed, then what else would? What if she didn’t even think of them as friends? He’d been so scared of change, of losing her as a friend, that he’d accidentally lost her as a friend. That was what he needed to tell her: that he was sorry for the way he reacted and that he, at least, still loved her as a friend and would no matter how she changed or how he had failed to understand her. 

He left Mr. Chu’s kitchen feeling more sure of himself than he had since the disastrous kiss. He finally knew what he needed to apologize for and, sort of, how he needed to do it. He just needed the right opportunity to come around… 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcome, although I'm like three years behind on replies rip. 
> 
> Also, I'm one of those people who always watches the credits of movies looking for cool names and funny credits, so shout out to Lucas Kane for getting credited as "Drinker of Catan (At Party)". Idk who he is, but he's definitely in the running for best credit of movies I've seen in 2020. Imagine having that on your resume.


End file.
